by Pamela Wampler

Unmarried women in affairs ride an emotional roller coaster.

When I first met Wendy, I was struck by her straightforward manner. Sitting on the sofa in my office, she bluntly stated her problem: She was involved with a married man. As she began her story, her voice softened, revealing an unexpected vulnerability.

Wendy had met her lover at work. He had been married for 15 years and was the father of three children. What started as a professional relationship changed into a friendship. As he disclosed details about his unhappy marriage, the two developed deep feelings for each other. They soon felt swept away, unable to resist the powerful pull between them. At the time of our first session, Wendy had been seeing him for two years.

"It's wonderful being with him," she told me, her eyes brimming with tears. "I feel so special, so needed. We talk about things we've never shared with anyone. But lately we've been arguing some. He says he wants to leave his wife, but he hasn't yet."

Wendy was hoping to help her lover end his marriage. At the same time, she wrestled with doubt and an uncertain future. What would she do if her lover chose to stay married - or remained indecisive?

The affair was taking a heavy emotional toll on her. In the beginning, she felt euphoric. She and her lover created their own cherished haven, far from the demands of the world. She basked in his attentiveness and warmth. Initially, she felt in control. She believed he would choose her over his wife, whom he described as uncaring and critical.

Two years later, Wendy was tired of being on hold. Usually an independent woman, her life revolved around her lover's schedule. She didn't plan activities with others for fear of missing precious time with him. Much to her own dismay, she found herself sitting around waiting for him.

Psychologist Laurel Richardson, author of The New Other Woman, has studied affairs between single women and married men and finds the structure of the affair favors the man. While secrecy shields his status and reputation, it intensifies her commitment. Because the relationship remains hidden, she can't test it in the arena of daily life and social exposure. All the while, her sense of closeness deepens.

"The more dedicated she is, the more disempowered she becomes," Richardson says.

Indeed, this was true for Wendy, who suffered a loss of self-esteem. Where had her strength gone? It wasn't like her to let life pass her by, to isolate herself and brood. Furthermore, she felt bad about herself for having an affair. Although she blamed her lover's wife to some degree, she did not relish the idea of causing her and the children pain.

As her lover struggled with leaving his wife, Wendy found herself in the midst of an emotionally bumpy ride. He had promised to end his marriage several times, but never did.

Although Wendy expressed frustration and disappointment, she was quick to view him with empathy. She knew the situation was agonizing for him. As she saw it, he was a loving and kind man who married the wrong woman and now felt bound by responsibility.

I doubted his dilemma was so simple. I had seen other people torn between lovers and spouses. They often grapple with conflicting parts of themselves, one represented by the spouse and one by the lover. Psychotherapist Emily M. Brown, author of Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment, calls these triangles "split-self affairs." They can involve dramatic flip-flopping between spouse and lover.

"His struggle is actually between his real feelings (anger, disappointment, anxiety and the like, which have been pushed into the background for a lifetime) and his approval-seeking self (who is heavily invested in the myth of the perfect family)," Brown says. "The emotional self wants to be loved; the rational self wants approval. He cannot choose one woman because he has deposited only a part of himself with each."

His problem is not resolved by choosing the right person. He must integrate the two parts within himself.

I wanted to prepare Wendy for the possibility she feared: Her lover might not ever choose. She could not make him leave his wife. She needed to reclaim her needs and feelings, her relationships, her interests - her self-respect.

She also needed to understand herself more deeply. Why had she chosen a married man to love? Some unmarried women want to experience closeness without having to engage fully in a relationship. An affair provides a way to maintain independence, at least initially.

Brown says some single women doubt their ability to set boundaries; relationships with married men have built-in ones. Others have affairs to numb chronic emotional pain and emptiness. The affair provides a quick fix as an alternative to being loved. This approach seems to protect against the emotional risks of a committed relationship. However, the women end up feeling more empty, alone and abandoned.

Future sessions with Wendy revealed how the affair mirrored her relationship with her father. They had always been close. Early on, he turned to her for the attention his wife did not give. Wendy took care of him emotionally while dismissing her own needs and feelings. This pattern repeated itself in her current triangle.

Fortunately, Wendy was willing to face her issues. She hoped her lover would do the same and seek counseling. If so, she believed he would end his marriage to marry her.

However, while a small percent of straying partners marry their lovers (less than 10 percent), the divorce rate for these marriages runs high. Psychiatrist Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies, interviewed 100 patients who had been involved in affairs. He found that 75 percent of the marriages between affair partners ended in divorce.

Typically, there's a lot of baggage. Partners must address the intrusion of daily life and the loss of intensity, unrealistic expectations, divided loyalties, the strong negative feelings of children and ex-spouses, guilt and shame, the reactions of the public, distrust of each other, disparity of sacrifice and blame.

To leave her lover, Wendy would need plenty of support and space to grieve. Hopefully, she could heal and move on with her life, finding an available partner to love.

I could assure her of one thing: If she reclaimed herself and worked on her issues, she could make positive choices.

A licensed therapist in private practice, Wampler hopes to help people become who they were created to be. Visit her Web site at www.floweringfromwithin.com.

Article appears as published in the St. Louis Woman Magazine October 2006 issue.